Super Smash Bros: The Sitcom
by RonnyBravo the Breadghost
Summary: You thought you knew all of your favorite characters in Super Smash Bros. But have you ever wondered just what goes on behind the scenes? Have you ever thought about what their true personalities are when you aren't watching them? Come see what your favorite characters are REALLY like in SSB: The Sitcom! Prepare yourselves for the insanity that awaits you.
1. Irony Part 1

**A/N: Be warned. This story could get RFH. That is, really freaking hilarious. Also, this is Game777Guy approved. Please enjoy. **

Pit didn't quite know what to think as he looked upon the scene before him. He had been eagerly running about the Smash Manor trying tidy things up for the last week after he received a bit of exciting news; Palutena was joining the crew at the big house. He wanted to make sure she felt comfortable and welcome, and had annoyed people to no end with how they needed to behave around her. So as soon as he had heard that she was arriving, he had rushed to the lobby, where she would be welcomed and greeted. However, upon his arrival, he had seen the most unusual sight; Ganondorf, of all people, was walking around her and just staring.

Usually, Ganon was the first to throw out an insult or threat to the newcomers; he had done so to Pit when Pit had arrived years earlier. But as he looked upon this scene, Pit doubted he had gotten a word out. He seemed so interested in Palutena. Palutena was just following him awkwardly as he circled around her. After a few moments, Pit decided to intervene.

"Uh… hi Lady Palutena!" Pit exclaimed as brightly as he could, "How are you doing?" Every face in the room turned to him; there were seven. Mario and Peach stood in one corner, Captain Falcon leaned against a wall, and Ness comforted a crying Lucas in another corner, for the younger boy had gotten his rejection letter and would not be joining the crew in the next Smash. Ganon looked at Pit in disgust.

"Oh, Pit!" Palutena exclaimed, walking over to him, "There you are. I'm fine. It looks great around here!" She leaned in close to him as Ganon watched cautiously.

"Who is this guy?" she whispered in concern. Pit hesitated as he looked around her. Ganon was slowly making his way around one side of them. Captain Falcon was chuckling in the corner. Mario watched in intrigue, Peach in concern.

"He's… an anatomist," said Pit. The Captain looked about ready to burst.

"Oh," said Palutena as Ganon closed in again, "That's… nice." She backed away from him but he followed her like a dog. Pit scratched the back of his head as he followed her around the lobby. He had no clue what was going on. Captain Falcon walked over to him, chuckling.

"I think Ganon has taken a liking to your goddess," he said, "They'd make a nice couple, wouldn't you say?"

"Uh… yeah," said Pit, unsure of what the Captain meant.

"We should totally set them up," said Captain Falcon, slapping Pit on the back with the power of a Falcon Punch, knocking him to the ground, "It'll be hilarious." Captain Falcon laughed out loud and then saw Pit sprawled out on the floor.

"Can't… feel… my wings…" Pit moaned. Captain Falcon pulled him off of the ground by the arm and dusted him off.

"Sorry kiddo," he said, "I get a little excited sometimes. Now come on! We've got some plotting to do!" As he walked off, Pit fell to the ground again. He popped back into the room and dragged Pit out by the leg. In all of this, Palutena was still trying to avoid Ganondorf the anatomist while Mario and Peach argued about romance in the corner and Ness encouraged Lucas to be strong, an action that would eventually lead to the boy's takeover of the Smasher World and later the multiverse. But that is a story for another time.

* * *

><p>"We need a love doctor first!" Captain Falcon exclaimed as Pit followed, painfully rubbing the rug burns on his arms, leg, and face. They were headed into the basement, where it was said Dr. Mario had been allowed to stay for some reason during the events of Super Smash Bros Brawl. Many had stated he had gone crazy searching for the secret ingredients to a power potion that would enhance any fighter's physical abilities to extreme amounts. Sure enough, they found a door at the bottom of the stairs with the clichéd "Do not enter" sign with a skull and crossbones. And do you know what our good friends did? You guessed it—as per the cliché, they ignored the sign and entered.<p>

They were immediately met with sirens and a flashing red light (also as per the cliché). They were immediately faced with five robots, descended from the ceiling. Captain Falcon prepared his fiery fists to fight. Pit, suffering rug burn, could barely lift his bow. Before anything could happen however, a figure appeared from the darkness.

"Who dares walk into my lair?" asked a crinkled old voice. Out of the shadows walked a man identical to Mario, but, contrary to the red clothed plumber Pit knew about, he wore a white lab coat, a doctor's headband, and had saggy eyes, eyes that clearly lacked sleep. Other than the saggy eyes, he looked relatively young.

The Captain retracted his fists and saluted.

"Dr. Mario, veteran from Melee," he said officially, "It is in an honor to meet you again."

"Oh… it's you," said Dr. Mario, his voice changing to a younger, spritely tone with a touch of annoyance, "Alright then… everyone back." The robots immediately retreated and the red lights stopped.

"Who's the chicken with you?" Dr. Mario asked, licking his lips.

"Don't even start that with me!" Pit yelled, "I am NOT a chicken."

"I don't know," said Dr. Mario, "I live on diet pills and you're looking pretty tasty." Pit nearly fainted.

"Now, now," said Dr. Mario, "I'm only kidding. But seriously. What the heck are you doing here?"

"Well good doctor," said Captain Falcon, "We need the assistance of… well… how do I put it?"

"A 'love doctor'?" Pit asked, making quotations with his fingers. Before Captain Falcon could make some witty remark, Dr. Mario cut in.

"Nope," he said, "No can do."

"What?" Captain Falcon cried, "Why not!?"

"What do I look like to you, a magician?" Dr. Mario asked in annoyance, "I can't just up and make people fall in love!"

"What if one of them…"

"Nope," said Dr. Mario, "Can't do it." He crossed his arms and waited. Captain Falcon and Pit looked at each other.

"But you're a doctor!" Captain Falcon exclaimed, "The best one in…"

"I'm the only doctor in this gaming world," said Dr. Mario, reading his mind again, "And I can't make people fall in love."

"You don't have any medicines that can…"

"Nope."

"No robots…"

"Nope."

"You've got to do something!" Captain Falcon cried, "This is big! Really big!" Dr. Mario rolled his eyes.

"How much 'nope' are you going to take before you get the heck out of my lab?" he asked, clearly annoyed. Pit cut in.

"Yeah… maybe we should…"

"You can't whip up…" Dr. Mario threw a pill in his mouth and he fell to the ground choking on it.

"Good lord…" he said, addressing Pit, "He still never shuts up?" Pit shook his head and shrugged. Captain Falcon spit the pill out and jumped up.

"I have a proposition to make!" he exclaimed. Dr. Mario gave a high-five to his face.

"I already told you I can't do it!" he yelled, "Will you please just shut up and get…"

"You whip something up for us and I'll get Master Hand to let you back into the Smash," Captain Falcon said lightly. Dr. Mario's sagging eyes suddenly brightened. He ran back to his lab table and began mixing some random liquids together. Five seconds later, he put a glass vial into Captain Falcon's hand.

"Give the target only 4.56 fluid ounces of the concoction or it won't work right," he said rapidly, "No more, no less. If too much is applied, you run the risk of overloading the target's circulatory system and causing them to spontaneously combust. If too little is applied, the target will have nightmares about ducks swimming in poison every three nights for the rest of their lives. If the right amount is applied, the target will fall in love with the next person they see for about forty-eight hours. Do you understand?" He had spoken so fast that all Captain Falcon could do was nod. Pit shook his head.

"You came up with this in five seconds?" Pit asked. Dr. Mario shrugged.

"I consider myself a genius," he said, "So when can I expect my letter?"

"Within six hours," said Captain Falcon, flashing a smile, "Thanks Doc!" He ran out of the room. Pit was hesitant to follow. Dr. Mario gleefully skipped back over to his table doing a happy dance and singing some wacky tune. Pit looked to the exit and back at Dr. Mario, trying to decide which weirdo he'd rather be stuck with, and then, as Dr. Mario drank a potion and began to laugh like a madman, he ran out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

* * *

><p>In the meantime, Ganon had stalked Palutena all the way to her room. He would not leave her door and just stood there as she busied herself settling in. It disturbed her that every time she looked out the peephole, he was still standing there.<p>

"What is so interesting that he intends on studying me?" she asked herself, checking her appearance in the mirror. She frowned at her dress and snapped her fingers. The dress became blue. She smiled. A goddess could never look too brilliant after all. That thought in mind, she began to wonder if Ganon the anatomist was so interested in her because she was a goddess. Perhaps he hadn't studied one before.

She walked back over to the door and took another look out the peephole. He was still there, staring at the door. She thought for a moment and smiled. She picked up her staff and held it up.

"Warp!" she cried out. She appeared outside of the door behind Ganondorf. The King of Evil didn't break his gaze at the door. She stared in fascination.

"_He's really into this…" _she thought to herself. She tapped the back of his head with her staff. He immediately turned around and she fell backwards.

"Oh… uh… hi…" she said with a sheepish smile. They stared at each other for a few seconds. There was awkward tension. Finally, Palutena got herself up, pushing her staff into the ground and stepping onto her feet. Ganondorf's eyes moved up with her. She dusted herself off quickly and smiled.

"So… how are you doing?" she asked heartily. He didn't give her an answer. He just kept staring. Her smile disappeared for a few seconds. She spoke again.

"Well… my servant has told me much about you," said Palutena, "It must be hard to have to deal with all of those bodies. It stinks after a while doesn't it?" Ganondorf looked surprised.

"Oh…" he spoke finally, "Oh yes. O-of course. One can't have… too many bodies in the cellar though. I need someplace to put all of the war casualties…"

"Oh, so you work in the army," said Palutena, "Interesting… you must be very tough to withstand the smell of rotting flesh. And all of that death." Ganondorf blushed hard.

"Y-yes," he stuttered, "O-of course." Palutena smiled, satisfied to at least have gotten a word out of him. She moved on with the conversation.

"Well then, I suppose we should introduce ourselves," said Palutena, twirling around her staff and summoning a very anime-ish flashy background, "My name is Palutena, Goddess of Light. I rule the divine realm of Skyworld truthfully and justly. It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance." The background faded as Ganondorf stared at her stupidly. She nodded to him, suspended one foot in the air, hanging onto her staff, telling him to go on.

"Oh… my name is Ganondorf," said Ganondorf. He paused. Then he added: "King of Evil." Palutena looked at him funny and then put her hands on her hips and let her staff fall against the wall behind her. She got into his face.

"And anatomy?" she asked. Ganondorf nodded quickly. She smiled, satisfied.

"Very interesting," she said, nodding with a hand on her chin, "I've never heard of someone double majoring in evil and anatomy. You're pretty unique for a mortal." Ganondorf gave a subtle _phew _before continuing.

"Uh… actually… I'm not… entirely mortal," said Ganon, holding up a finger sheepishly, "I can't really…die per se. It's a thing…"

"Oh really?" Palutena asked in surprise.

"Y-yes," said Ganon with a sheepish smile.

"How is that?" she asked.

"Oh," he said, holding up the back of his hand. Palutena examined it and saw a glowing triangle directly below his middle knuckle, within a triangle with two other triangles that were not glowing.

"It's the Triforce of Power," Ganondorf explained, "As long as I have it, I am immortal." Palutena nodded in approval.

"So… do you want to… uh…" Ganondorf's words fumbled. Before he could pick himself up, Palutena exclaimed, "Of course! I'd love to." Ganondorf doubled over in shock.

"What!?" he cried.

"I said I'd love to," said Palutena, "I'm really interested in where you've been with your anatomical studies. And if you'd like…" She flipped her hair and smiled cutely. Ganondorf couldn't help but stare.

"I'll see you downstairs in the dining hall in two hours," she said. And with that, she walked away. Ganon watched her go. As soon as she disappeared, he ran down the hall in the opposite direction, bypassing and knocking over Pit, who had been looking for the Captain. Pit, sprawled out on the floor and hating his life, watched Ganondorf run off faster than he had ever seen the King of Evil run.

"He's happy," said a voice from above him. He looked up and saw Captain Falcon holding a glass of water.

"Where have you been?" Pit groaned, "I've been looking all over for you."

"Well I had to go negotiate with Master Hand," he said, taking a sip of water, "Which worked due to my 'special privileges'. And then I came back here."

"How coincidental…" Pit said in annoyance.

"Not really," said Captain Falcon, tapping the door, "This is my room."

"Oh," said Pit. Captain Falcon downed his glass of water.

"Well, looks like we won't be needing that love potion," said Captain Falcon, "Judging by the way that he was running, he got a date." Pit shot up in shock.

"Wait, what!?" he cried, "With Lady Palutena!?"

"I reckon so," said Captain Falcon.

"Oh man… what have I done!?" Pit cried, holding his head, "Oh man… oh man, oh man, oh man… Lady Palutena's in danger! She can't go on a date with the King of Evil… That… that just doesn't make any sense! The whole universe is going to collapse! I'm going to collapse! This can't be happening! Oh no... oh no… oh no, no, no, no, no…"

Captain Falcon just watched Pit have his mental breakdown in confusion.

"That's strange…" he said to himself, "Oh well. That idiot clone of mine will embarrass himself all the same. He'll pay for jacking my style." He pulled out the love potion and looked at his empty glass. A grin crept across his face. He chuckled.

"I've got to use it on someone…" he said, carefully measuring out the proper amount of the fluid into the glass using his visor. It turned out that there were 4.56 fluid ounces of the stuff in the vial anyway.

"_Why'd he bother with the warnings then?_" Captain Falcon thought to himself. He shrugged and headed down the hallway toward the weight room, leaving Pit writhing on the floor, begging life for mercy.

* * *

><p>Ganondorf crashed through the door of Link's room.<p>

"Hey fairy boy!" he yelled, "I need help! Help me!" Link, who was reading a magazine with his feet upon a desk, stared at Ganondorf as though the King of Evil was from another planet. Ganondorf ran up to Link and shook him by the shoulders.

"You've gotta help me man!" Ganon cried, "I can't mess this up! This is the one! You've gotta!" Link kept staring at him in confusion.

"ARE YOU DEAF OR SOMETHING!?" Ganondorf screamed, dark lightning flashing around him evilly, "THIS IS FOR THE GREATER GOOD! LIFE OR DEATH! HELP ME!" Zelda appeared from nowhere (by which I mean a green swirling light) and pushed Ganon away from Link gently.

"Alright," she said, "Take it easy. No need to be so desperate that you forget Link is a silent protagonist. Now, here's what you need to do. Sheik!" Sheik appeared from nowhere (by which I mean a cloud of smoke) as well and the two women pushed him out of the room and shut the door behind them, leaving Link to his magazine and his thoughts. Now out in the hallway, Zelda slapped Ganondorf's face a few times lightly.

"Now, are you alright?" Zelda asked, "Good. Now, if you want to have a good date…"

"Wait, how did you know that I have date?" Ganondorf asked. Zelda put both hands on his shoulders and looked him straight in his yellow eyes.

"Women know things Ganon," said Zelda sincerely, "Now, in order to have a good date, you have to… feel the chemistry. You know?" Ganondorf looked at her like an idiot. Zelda made a weird face and stared for a few seconds.

"Okay… how about this," she said, "You have to… be loose. No being so stiff and heavy on a date."

"Stay cool and collected," Sheik said quietly, "Hide your fears. Be a ninja with your words."

"What she said," said Zelda, "Also…" She pulled at the back of his hair a few times.

"Ow!" Ganondorf cried as she pulled out a hair.

"Sorry," Zelda said absentmindedly, still stumbling with his hair. Finally, she gave up.

"Your hair is so uncooperative," said Zelda, "When was the last time you showered?"

"Uh… about three years ago," said Ganondorf. As Zelda quickly held her nose, Sheik walked up behind him and touched a part of his hair and it fell down to its full length, reaching all the way down to the middle of his back and falling into his face.

"I feel… ridiculous," said Ganondorf, blowing some hair out of his face. Zelda, still holding her nose, nodded.

"It's in style," she said, though with her nasal passages blocked, "Women love a guy with long hair. You should wear it like that more often… it looks great on you. Sheik?" Sheik nodded and dashed around him. She stopped five seconds later. Ganondorf's hair had been tied into a multi-layer pony-tail.

"Good," said Zelda, releasing her grip on her nose for no particular reason, "Let's see… anything else?"

"Fancy outfits?" Sheik questioned. Zelda snapped her fingers.

"I've got that covered," Zelda said. She rushed back into Link's room. There was a scream from the other side and a lot of yelling for a few seconds. Then Zelda rushed out and backed the door shut behind her, breathing hard. She was holding a tuxedo outfit. Sheik and long-haired Ganondorf stared at her. She quickly perked up, dismissing any "incidents" that might have occurred in the last couple of seconds.

"This should fit," said Zelda, handing Ganondorf the tuxedo, "Even though Link is like two feet shorter than you… uh… yeah, it should work fine." Ganondorf immediately began to disrobe.

"NO!" Zelda screamed, "NOT HERE!" Ganondorf, in panic, ran down the hallway to the communal restrooms, the tuxedo flowing behind him. Zelda fell to the ground, heart racing.

"Are you alright?" Sheik asked nonchalantly.

"I will be once I'm out of the presence of any and all men for seventy-two hours," said Zelda, holding a hand to her chest, "Oh. My. Gosh. What has happened to chivalry?"

"Feminism," said Sheik dismissively.

* * *

><p>Captain Falcon looked about the weight room. The two Wii Fit Trainers, who were not-so-recent arrivals at this point, were discussing fitness techniques in one corner. Ike was lifting some ridiculous fictional amount of weight in another. Marth was beating up a Sandbag with the rapier-like Falchion in the center of the room. The Captain walked over to Marth.<p>

"How's that going for you?" he asked.

"Fine," Marth said, short of breath, "Don't interrupt. Combo streak."

"Oh," said Captain Falcon. He walked past Marth and moved over toward Ike.

"Hey man," he said, "How much is that?"

"Almost… a thousand!" said Ike, straining. He managed to get the weight to a peak. Then he dropped it onto the holders.

"Nice," said Captain Falcon, "But you know I can lift OVER 9000!" Ike got up and laughed.

"Sorry Cap," said Ike, "Dragon Ball Z isn't canon in this realm. That joke is irrelevant."

"Well I can still lift over 9000," said Captain Falcon.

"Really?" said Ike in mockery, "Let's see it." Captain Falcon set the cup down on a small table and began adding the additional weights. As he was grabbing the last of them, he looked back over to Ike and visibly paled. There was an empty glass in the one-handed swordsman's hand. He was looking directly at Marth, who was wiping his brow.

"Ike…" Captain Falcon said, almost dropping the weight he held on his foot. Ike took a step toward Marth. Marth turned and saw Ike. Ike, making eye contact with him, suddenly dashed toward the other swordsman with arms open. Marth jumped out of the way and Ike tackled the sandbag.

"Nice form!" said the male Wii Fit Trainer.

"Just a little more level and that would have been a perfect tackle!" said the female.

"Marth, run!" Captain Falcon yelled, "Run for your life! He drank a love potion!" Marth looked between the Captain and Ike, who was getting up from the ground. He took the advice and began running. Ike pursued him. Captain Falcon ran to the door and watched as they ran down the hallway and disappeared.

"What have I done…" Captain Falcon gasped.

"I wish I could say the same for his running," said the male Wii Fit Trainer, "He's so slow… he needs to focus more on exercising the thighs."

"I agree," said the female Wii Fit Trainer, "And the abdomen."

"And the knees."

"And the chest. "

"And…"

Captain Falcon ran after them decisively. He had done something terrible. Something so unspeakably terrible that the fate of the world and the Super Smash Bros fanbase hung in the balance of the outcome of this situation. Marth's identity as a straight male had to be preserved or else.


	2. Irony Part 2

"So you've attempted takeover of Hyrule how many times?" Palutena asked in intrigue.

"Let's see… 2… 3… 5… 8 times," Ganon replied, "And more often than not, I've almost succeeded."

"Very interesting," Palutena mused, "You have quite the villainous resume."

"I take pride in it," said Ganon, "So… have you done anything significant?" Palutena leaned back and stretched.

"Well, being the goddess of light, I have many significant duties," said Palutena, "Like guiding Pit to save the heavenly realms. And keeping Medusa in check." She leaned forward again and put her hands on the table in thought.

"Hmm… I don't quite remember anything else… that's odd… I know I've done more than that…"

"I'm sure you have," said Ganon with a smile. Palutena smiled back.

"I'm probably just flustered… I've never actually sat down and talked to a real evil villain before," said Palutena, leaning back, "Usually I just end up throwing it all down to go against them. You know how gaming protocol is." Ganon nodded.

"I know it," he said, "I get tired of it all after a while. But I keep going on with it. I wonder why…"

"Wouldn't it be interesting if we just got out of our roles every once in a while…" Palutena mused.

"That's just what I'm saying," said Ganon, "Look past what we look like and who we are. Try our hands at something else for a change. Like we're doing right now." Palutena nodded with a "mm-hmm".

"You know, for two very different people, we think a lot alike," she said after a few moments.

"I agree," said Ganon with a smile.

"I rather enjoy your company," said Palutena.

"And I yours," said Ganon. They stared for a few seconds just smiling at each other. Then they moved in closer. Their mouths came close to meeting. Then Marth ran by screaming, followed by Ike, who was yelling, "YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL! COME BACK!" at the top of his lungs. Captain Falcon jumped the table and quickly pursued them, throwing a quick "Sorry!" over his shoulder. Palutena and Ganondorf sat up and stared after them.

"… Is that normal?" Palutena asked. Ganondorf shrugged.

"I don't know what anybody in this place is thinking half the time," he replied, "Did I mention that your dress looks amazing?"

* * *

><p>Pit lied motionless on the floor. He was barely breathing. Nobody had passed by him in the last three hours. All he could think about was how close he was to death. He was writing his will in his head, ready to leave everything he owned (which wasn't much) to Lady Palutena in hopes that she would remember herself and break whatever spell Ganondorf had her under. He shut his eyes as his heart rate slowed dramatically. "<em>This is it…<em>" he thought to himself, "_I… I'm sorry Lady Palutena… I've failed to protect you… I… I'm…_"

"What the heck are you doing moron?" a voice came from above him. Pit stopped dying. Above him stood a very familiar face.

"Pittoo!?" Dark Pit delivered a swift kick to his side and he screamed in pain.

"Enough…" Pit whined softly as he curled into the fetal position, "Why does the world hate me?"

"Why are you on the floor?" Dark Pit asked, crossing his arms.

"Why are you here!?" Pit cried, sitting up from the ground. Dark Pit held up an envelope.

"Oh… you got invited…"

"Yeah, and you know what?" said Dark Pit in disdain, "It wasn't worth the effort."

"What!? But this is a huge honor!" Pit cried. Dark Pit stared at him. Pit thought for a second.

"Well if you didn't want to come here, then why did you come?" Pit asked, "It's really easy to deny an invitation. You just check the box that says 'no'."

"They told me I had a 99.99999999% chance of not being a clone of you," Dark Pit said, crossing his arms, "But then I got here and they gave me my moveset and guess what? I'm a clone of you! There was literally no point in coming!"

"Sooooo… are you leaving?"

"No! Are you kidding me? It took, like, 6 billion hearts to bribe Viridi into bringing me here!"

"You bribed Viridi?"

"Yes, I did. What's it to you?"

"Nothing."

"Then why'd you ask?"

"Well…"

"That's what I thought," said Dark Pit, "Now what are you doing on the floor?"

"Moping," said Pit, demeanor immediately changing to dark and dreary.

"Can you be more specific?" Dark Pit asked, "And a little less emo?" Pit looked up and shook his head.

"You don't understand my sorrow…" he said grimly, "Lady Palutena is in a grave place. And I can't do anything about it…"

"Oh," said Dark Pit, attitude changing slightly, "What happened? Do you need help?"

"Yeah, help would be nice," said Pit as he stood up, "She's under the control of the Evil King. Somehow… ugh… it's… it's just so terrible to think about."

"That does sound pretty bad," said Dark Pit, "Where is she?" Marth ran by screaming, stringing in between the two angels, followed by Ike and then Captain Falcon, who threw a "Sorry!" over his shoulder. Dark Pit and Pit both blinked twice as the three men raced down the hall. Dark Pit pursed his lips.

"… Is… that normal?" he asked. Pit shook his head.

"What did he do this time?" Pit questioned as he watched Captain Falcon disappear around a corner after the two swordsmen. Zelda and Sheik walked up to them from behind.

"Did you two see that?" Zelda asked, "Wasn't that Marth and Ike and Captain Falcon?"

"A bunch of screaming weirdos was all I saw," said Dark Pit, folding his arms again, "Seriously, does this happen all the time?"

"I fear something terrible has happened," said Sheik, closing her eyes and pointing two fingers down the hallway.

"What's she doing?" Dark Pit asked after a few seconds. Zelda stared at Sheik for a few moments.

"I have no clue," said Zelda, "She just says, 'Don't question the ways of the Sheikah' every time I ask."

"Don't question the ways of the Sheikah," said Sheik. Dark Pit jumped. She had appeared behind him out of nowhere.

"Captain Falcon has… drugged Ike with a love potion…" said Sheik.

"Oh," said Pit, "Well that explains a lot." Sheik gave him the evil eye and he shut up quickly.

"And Ike is chasing after Marth in infatuation," Sheik finished. Zelda and Pit both gasped. Dark Pit gave a confused look.

"So?" Dark Pit inquired, "Isn't that, like, okay now?"

"You don't understand…" Zelda said gravely, "Marth's identity as a straight male is at stake. Whenever this happens..." She shuddered. Dark Pit stared at the three people around him.

"I swear, this place gets weirder and weirder with every passing second."

"Whenever Marth's identity is at stake… the fanbase… it becomes unstable," Zelda said shakily, "And after the fanbase… the Fire Emblem fanbase… and after that…"

"The world," Sheik said epically.

"Hey!" Zelda cried, "I wanted to say it!"

"Well maybe you shouldn't have left a dramatic pause there," said Sheik.

"Why you…" While the two women started a catfight, Dark Pit approached Pit.

"We should probably go find Palutena," said Dark Pit, "Get her out of the mess she's in." Pit just stared into space.

"What now?" Dark Pit inquired

"The… the world-"

"Oh my gods…" Dark Pit grabbed Pit by the arm and dragged him, still staring off into space, down the hallway, leaving Sheik to pummel Zelda with her awesome ninja skills and deadly needles.

* * *

><p>Captain Falcon jumped Kirby and Jigglypuff and almost tripped over Pikachu on the way down the next hallway.<p>

"Sorry!" he yelled over his shoulder. Ike's pursuit was relentless. Marth screamed continuously. It briefly occurred to the good captain that this chase would be a lot more interesting if they had F-Zero vehicles… In the midst of his thoughts, he crashed into Lucario and was thrown to the ground.

"Watch where you're going!" the Aura Pokémon yelled telepathically, "Dear Arceus, I thought it was against the rules to—" Captain Falcon jumped up and ran past him, knocking him to the ground.

"Sorry!" he yelled as he reached the end of the hallway. The hallway split into two. He heard Marth's screams coming from the right. He ran as fast as he could. As he reached the halfway point of this hallway, Wario, King Dedede, and Meta Knight turned the corner, followed by Rosalina and a few Lumas, whom they were showing around. Captain Falcon, being a man of the F-Zero track, had no brakes to spare. Thinking quickly, he set his fists on fire, slammed them together, and knocked Wario, King Dedede, and Meta Knight off of their feet. He briefly stopped to kiss Rosalina on the hand as a gentleman would before dashing off again. Rosalina blushed a little. The Lumas stared in confusion, while Wario, King Dedede, and Meta Knight groaned in pain on the floor behind them.

The captain made good ground on the two swordsmen subsequently. He got closer and closer to Ike and began plotting how to grab the muscular swordsman's cape. Then, from nowhere, Sonic came up beside him, running backwards.

"What's this?" Sonic asked, "A race?" Before Captain Falcon could say anything, Sonic piped up.

"Count me in!" Sonic exclaimed, turning around. He took off down the hallway at top speed, briefly spinning Ike around in his place. Captain Falcon made a mental note to thank the blue blur later as he tackled Ike to the ground.

"Let me go!" Ike cried, "My love is getting away!"

"Shut up you meat-brained idiot!" Captain Falcon yelled, Falcon Punching him in the back of the head. Ike's head slammed into the ground and he was instantly KOd. Captain Falcon stood up and put his foot on Ike's back in triumph.

"Now… you see…" Captain Falcon said, out of breath, "The Falcon Punch… is… unstoppable… Phew… Talk about a hedgehog-ex-machina…" Captain Falcon suddenly heard the slamming of a door and a large amount of hooting and hollering. He looked to his left and saw a staircase. He visibly paled.

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!" Dr. Mario screamed as he charged out of the staircase and knocked Captain Falcon into the wall. The doctoral version of the greatest hero in gaming raised a paper clenched in his fist above his head. He was smiling so profusely that Dark Pit stopped in his tracks as he dragged Pit down the hallway.

"I'M BACK!" Dr. Mario screamed, "LET'S SEE YOU DROP ME AGAIN WHY DON'T WE!?" He looked down at his feet and saw Ike knocked out on the floor.

"Oh…" said Dr. Mario, "Are you alright?" Captain Falcon, barely able to open his eyes, saw Dr. Mario lowering a pill to Ike's mouth.

"N-no!" Captain Falcon yelled. Dr. Mario shoved the pill into Ike's mouth in surprise. Ike swallowed it. He immediately shot up and began running again. Dr. Mario was thrown to the ground. Dr. Mario got up and looked over at Captain Falcon.

"What's up with him?" Dr. Mario asked, "Oh, thanks for the favor by the way. I can't wait to beat my stupid clone's—"

"He! Da! Doh! Nah! Drank! Ugh! No! Dee! Love! Pra! Cha! Doo! Potion!" Captain Falcon barely managed to speak. Dr. Mario's expression turned grave as Captain Falcon fell to the ground mourning the soon-to-be death of the universe.

"Who… who is he chasing?" Dr. Mario asked.

"M-m-m—"

"Oh crap," Dr. Mario deadpanned, "What in the world did you do?"

"He… He did it!" Captain Falcon yelled, pointing down the hallway, "And… and…. And now…"

"I know good and well what's going to happen," Dr. Mario said, pulling his lab coat tighter and pulling a syringe out of his pocket, "This is gonna be tricky. I'm going to need to remove some of the potion from his bloodstream. He'll have nightmares about ducks swimming in poison every three nights for the rest of his life, but that doesn't matter." Captain Falcon nodded quickly.

"And I'll be wiping the floor with your guts on Battlefield when this is all over," said Dr. Mario, making eye contact. Captain Falcon nodded quickly again.

"Wait, what!?" Captain Falcon cried as Dr. Mario began walking away.

"I said—"

"Let's just go," said Captain Falcon. They ran down the hallway and around the next corner. Dark Pit blinked a few times.

"I told you…" Pit said quietly.

"Shut up," said Dark Pit, "Where's the dining hall again?"

"Down this hall, to the right…" Pit said in depression.

"You said that last time," said Dark Pit, "And we got lost. Which way is it really?"

"Down this hall, to the right," said Pit, immediately going back to moping. Dark Pit groaned.

"You're such dead weight," said Dark Pit. Pit stooped lower. He fell onto the ground limp. Dark Pit rolled his eyes in disgust.

"Not literally you chicken."

"Don't call me that!" Pit yelled, shooting up and punching Dark Pit in the face. Dark Pit, in rage, almost sliced Pit's head off with his Silver Bow. He held it in, just barely. One of the knives was touching the white angel's neck. He pulled back.

"Well," said Dark Pit, almost smiling, "Now I know what to call you."

"I could call you just the same!" Pit yelled.

"Shut up," said Dark Pit, "Let's just go. What's this 'Evil King' doing to Palutena anyway?"

* * *

><p>"You've got to be kidding me," said Dark Pit when he saw Palutena and Ganondorf laughing at a table in the middle of the dining hall.<p>

"See?" Pit said, throwing his hands forward, "It's horrible!" Dark Pit slapped Pit in the back of the head and the white angel fell to the ground.

"She's on a date with him you chicken!" Dark Pit yelled, "And here you had me thinking that he was trying to murder her or something!" Palutena and Ganondorf took notice of the two angels.

"Oh, Dark Pit!" Palutena exclaimed, "You were invited too? Come, come, sit down. I want you to meet a good friend of mine."

"See?" Dark Pit said with a smirk, grabbing Pit from off of the floor and dragging him over to the table. He sat a dazed Pit down in a chair opposite of him and then sat down himself.

"You're a newbie too are you?" Ganondorf asked Dark Pit.

"Yeah," said Dark Pit, "I was reluctant to come. Especially after finding out I have the same moveset as the chicken over here." Pit snapped out of his daze and almost flew across the table. Palutena stopped him.

"Now Pit," she said, "Table manners please." Pit grumbled and folded his arms, throwing murderous looks at Ganondorf and Dark Pit.

"Well," said Palutena, "We were just discussing other fighters and strategies to use against them. Care to join?"

"Sure," said Dark Pit. Pit listened hatefully to their discussion, trying to plot out how he was going to kick both Ganondorf and Dark Pit's butts on the battlefield. He didn't have very long to think, as screaming came from the hallway behind him. He and the other table members turned around. Marth ran into the room, pursued by Ike, who was gaining fast. Captain Falcon and Dr. Mario followed in not-so-hot pursuit.

"Oh no…" said Pit.

"What's 'oh no'?" Palutena asked. Ike tackled Marth. Pit's eyes went wide.

"Oh no!" Pit cried. Ganondorf smacked his forehead.

"Oh no!" he cried, "How did I not see that before! This is bad!"

"What's going on!?" Palutena cried. Ike brought his mouth close to Marth's and spoke.

"At last my love, we are reunited," said Ike, "Kiss me…" Marth squealed in fear. Palutena stood up immediately in understanding, as did Ganondorf.

"Let's do this," said Palutena. Ganon nodded. They ran to opposite sides of Ike and Marth. Ganon summoned a black ball of energy while Palutena summoned a white one. They threw the balls of energy at the two men. They were both enveloped. When the light and darkness cleared, Ike was floating in midair, surrounded in a black outline, still trying to kiss the other swordsman, who was now five feet away. Marth was still squealing in traumatized fear, floating and surrounded by white light. Captain Falcon and Dr. Mario slowed to a walking pace as they entered the room. Dr. Mario immediately went up to Ike and shoved the syringe into his butt. Ike screamed. The dark energy dissipated and he fell to the ground. Dr. Mario pulled out and held up the syringe, now full of liquid, in triumph. Palutena dissipated the light energy surrounding Marth. Captain Falcon and Pit both breathed a sigh of relief. Dark Pit just stared, unable to make anything of all of the stupid that had just happened before his eyes.

Everyone but Dark Pit met in the center of the room around Marth, who was wide-eyed and curled in the fetal position.

"Thanks for the assist," said Captain Falcon, shaking Ganondorf's hand, "I'll have to beat the crap out of… I mean, do you a favor sometime." Dr. Mario tapped Captain Falcon's arm. Captain Falcon looked at him.

"Ahem…" said Dr. Mario, clearing his throat and gesturing toward the hallway that led to the stage select. Captain Falcon shuddered and began whimpering as Dr. Mario began dragging him away.

"It wasn't any trouble at all," said Palutena taking Ganondorf's hands. She kissed him on the cheek. Ganondorf and Pit both fainted immediately.

"Oh…" said Palutena, "Is that against the rules?" She pondered it for a moment before dismissing the issue. She left the room satisfied with her first day at the Smash Manor.

Dark Pit stared at all of the literally floored Smashers. He shook his head.

"I swear, this place will be my grave…" he said to himself, "I'm surrounded by idiots." He got up in disgust and left the room, passing by Rosalina on the way out. The Lumas moved past her into the room carrying a battered Wario, Meta Knight, and King Dedede as she looked back at Dark Pit for a brief second. She looked back into the dining hall. She gasped as she saw the four fallen Smashers on the floor.

"Oh dear…" she said, "I do hope the health ward isn't busy… Now where is it again?"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I do hope you have all enjoyed this humor-filled two-shot that I just randomly decided to write. Note that I do not own any of the characters presented in this story, nor the idea of a Smash Manor. Please also note that everything in this story is meant to be taken as a joke and I expect it to have been taken that way. That all said, thanks for reading and please leave a review so that if I decide to write another something like this, I have some feedback to go off of!**


	3. Recon Done Wrong

Ganon stormed up to Link, who was sitting on a couch in the lobby reading the latest edition of the Smasher Times.

"Hey! Fairy boy! Lend me a hand will ya!?" he yelled at the green clad elf teen. Link looked up from the paper with a timid look on his face.

"I just finished a team match with that one blond chick," said Ganondorf, "And she was absolutely useless. I need you to teach her a lesson for me." Link stared at him with no response.

"ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME!?" Ganon screamed. Link covered his head with the paper and braced himself for an enormous blast of dark magic, squealing like a little girl. Ganon withheld himself.

"Look, I've got a girlfriend," said Ganon in a more bargaining tone, "It would be weird for me to just suddenly go up to someone and—"

"Grennnn…" Ganondorf jumped ten feet in the air and hit his head on the ceiling, shocking everyone in the room, an assortment that included Zelda, Sheik, Sonic, Captain Falcon, who currently was suffering a broken arm, and Mario. Ganon lied on the floor, dazed from the blow to his head, and looked up to see the frog Pokémon, Greninja, standing over him. The second his vision cleared he jumped up and made an attempt to grab the Pokémon at the neck. Link jumped up and grabbed his shoulder. Ganon stopped and turned around to look Link in the eye.

"Please…" Link said softly, looking to the floor and removing his hand from Ganondorf's shoulder quickly, "He only means to say that you're disgusting…" Ganondorf stared at Link, dumbfounded. So did everyone else in the room. Zelda fainted on the spot. Sheik's mask almost fell off. Sonic had to escort Mario out of the room due to a dizzy spell. Captain Falcon just shook his head.

"You… talked…" said Ganondorf in shock. Link looked away in shame.

"Greninja, nin ja ja nin gren," Greninja said, shaking his head.

"Yeah I know I'm a failure at being a hero…" Link said miserably, "No need to remind me bud…"

"Bud?" Ganon asked in shock, "Wait a minute… where do you get off talking to a stupid frog Pokémon?" Greninja had Ganon in a headlock in less than a second.

"OW! OW! OH MAN THAT HURTS!" Ganon cried. Greninja pulled tighter, making him scream like an even bigger baby.

"Gren… ninja… nin nin ja gren… gren…" Greninja said threateningly.

"He dares you to say it again," Link said timidly, backing away from the scene. Greninja pulled tighter. Ganondorf's eyes were popping out of his head.

"Fine…" he said, suffocating, "You win… Just… let… me… go!" Greninja let go and Ganondorf collapsed onto the floor, gasping for air.

"That was… a bit much…" Link said softly.

"Nin ja," Greninja said, crossing his arms and shutting his eyes decisively.

"You're evil," Link said with a frown. Greninja implied a smile wickedly.

"Ja grenin," he said slyly. Link sighed.

Sheik walked over as Captain Falcon continued to watch from afar in some interest.

"You talked," she said to Link.

"Yes, I talked," said Link, demeanor suddenly changing entirely, "Is that really so hard to believe?" Sheik stared at him for two seconds and he immediately withdrew to his timid self.

"Sorry…" Link said quietly. Sheik shook her head.

"Ja nin gren," said Greninja. Sheik stared at the frog Pokémon.

"He says—" Greninja slapped a hand over Link's mouth and stood in between him and Sheik.

"I assume something derogatory?" Sheik said, crossing her arms. Greninja rolled his eyes. Ganondorf slowly got up from the floor.

"Seriously man, can you help me?" he asked Link. Greninja removed his hand and gestured to Ganondorf.

"Gren ja," said Greninja, "Nin gren ja ja nin gren."

"Why do I hang out with you?" Link mumbled, "Fine."

"Good," said Ganondorf, "I'll leave the entire plot of revenge up to you. Do me proud fairy boy! Or you know what." He made a fist and shoved it in Link's face. Greninja proceeded to put him in another headlock, spin him around, and kick him in the head, knocking him to the ground whining in pain. After a few seconds, Sheik applauded.

"Gren… Greninja!" Greninja yelled at Ganon, pointing to the hallway leading to the Smashers' rooms.

"He says to…" Link paused a second to think. Then he continued. "Never mind." Ganondorf got up and shot a glance back at Greninja. Greninja stuck its tongue out (don't ask) and then turned to Link again as Ganon disappeared into the hallway.

"Ja gren ninja ja nin grenja," Greninja said.

"Fair enough…" said Link.

"I assume your friend here has quite the potty mouth," said Sheik. Greninja glared at her.

"Greninja! Nin ja grenin… ja gren nin nin gren ja!" Link stared at him and, after a few seconds of consideration, shook his head 'no'. Sheik scoffed.

"Well then, care to explain why you can understand this creature?" Sheik asked impatiently. Greninja was mildly offended by the question.

"I speak Zora," Link said softly. Sheik stared at him blankly.

"And?" she said, gesturing to Greninja, "That connects how?"

"Grenin," said Greninja, "Gren gren greninja."

"His speech is very similar," Link said. Sheik looked between the two of them.

"That makes no sense," she said after a few moments.

"Well… it's better than your explanation…" Link said quietly, "You just say 'Don't question the ways—"

"DON'T." Link jumped with a scream. Sheik was behind him all of a sudden.

"Question the ways of the Sheikah," Sheik finished.

"Okay, you win!" Link squeaked. Sheik smiled. Greninja rolled his eyes.

"Good," she said, "I'm just satisfied that you're talking now."

"Ja nin grenja," said Greninja, "Greninja gren gren ja nin ja gren. Gren ja nin ja ja janinja."

"I know I talk your ear off when we're alone," said Link, "Get off my case. Being a silent protagonist is hard y'know? I need someplace to vent."

"Gren… greninja?" Greninja asked.

"You're the only one around here who understands me," said Link.

"Gren, ninja inja," Greninja said, holding his chest.

"Well I'm glad you feel special," Link muttered, "Now what am I doing again?"

"Ninja gren nin ja," said Greninja.

"Taking revenge on a blond chick for Ganondorf," said Link, "Great. There's like five of them here. How am I supposed to know—"

"Gren ninja…" Greninja said with a facepalm, "Nin gren ja nin!"

"But that wouldn't be fair!" Link cried, "I can't just go off and pick some random blond girl to exert Ganondorf's revenge on!"

"Gren nin nin ja," Greninja said matter-of-factly, "Ja gren ja nin ja nin gren ja ja. Grenin…" Greninja gestured to Sheik. Sheik immediately went on the defensive.

"Oh no," she said, "You lay a finger on me and you're dead."

"Gren?" Greninja deadpanned.

"What was that?" Sheik said, getting in the frog ninja's face.

"Gren, greninja gren," said Greninja. Link backed away slowly.

"What did he say!?" Sheik yelled at Link. Link squealed and curled up into a ball on the floor. Sheik gave a heavy sigh and turned back to Greninja.

"I swear, I'll turn you into the subject for a biology experiment if you touch one hair on this beautiful head," Sheik threatened. Greninja withheld a laugh. Sheik stormed away, grabbing Zelda off of the floor and dragging her by the wrist as she exited the room. Greninja helped Link off of the floor.

"Seriously though," said Link, "You're evil." Greninja laughed.

"Ninja gren," he said, slapping Link on the back. Link fell to the floor face first.

"Gren…" Greninja said awkwardly.

"Gee thanks…" Link muttered, muffled by the floor. Greninja helped him up again. Link dusted himself off.

"So who do I go after?" Link asked.

"Nin gren?" Greninja said.

"No, it would be bad for the Lumas," said Link.

"Gren ja?" Greninja said.

"No, she's not a natural blond," said Link. Greninja rolled his eyes and folded his arms again.

"Gren… nin ja gren?" he said.

"WHAT!?" Link cried, "NO! NO! ABSOLUTELY NOT! She carries a frying pan, a golf club, and a tennis racket on her at all times! I am NOT attacking her!" Greninja stared at him. Link looked away in shame at the outburst.

"Gren ja…" Greninja said, turning away.

"I am no fun," Link muttered, "Who else?"

"Ja nin grenja," Greninja said, "Gren ja nin." Captain Falcon walked over to them suddenly.

"Ahem," he said, pointing to the mailboxes by the door with his free hand. Link and Greninja both looked over and saw Zero Suit Samus getting her mail.

"Gren… greninja."

"I don't know… she's the only blond left but… hey wait a minute!" Zero Suit Samus looked over. After a few brief moments of awkward silence, she left the room.

"What?" Captain Falcon asked.

"The last time you had an idea, the Smasher World almost collapsed in on itself! It's all over the news!" He picked up the Smasher Times off of the floor and after flipping through a few pages detailing Ganondorf and Palutena's love life, Dr. Mario's sudden return to the Smash, the upcoming inauguration of the fourth Smash Games, and the mysterious lack of cookies in the Manor's pantry, Link found a page detailing the near-disaster brought upon Marth's identity and the entire Smasher Universe just days before.

"That… wasn't entirely my fault."

"Gren ninja," Greninja said accusingly.

"He's right," said Link, "Why should I listen to you?"

"Well Ganondorf is breathing at your neck so…" Link reeled back and punched Ganon in the face.

"OW!" Ganondorf yelled.

"Nin gren," Greninja said, "Ninja gren gren?"

"Dude, please stop," said Link, "I'm not translating that." Ganondorf stormed out of the room. Before he left, he made the 'I'm watching you' sign.

"I really hate him…" Link said under his breath.

"Greninja ninja gren," said Greninja.

"So I guess you don't have a choice," said Captain Falcon, "Better get going."

"Ninja gren ja nin?" Greninja asked before he could take a step.

"Huh?" Captain Falcon questioned.

"He wants to know what happened to your arm," said Link. Captain Falcon sighed.

"Dr. Mario," he said, "Gosh, I still need to file a malpractice suit against him…" He left the room mumbling to himself.

"So I guess I'll see you later then," Link said with a sigh, "I've gotta think of something… why do I deal with this?"

"Gren ja gren nin," said Greninja. Greninja put one of his webbed hands to his chin. "Nin grenja."

"I'm kind of scared of what you might do," said Link nervously. Greninja rubbed his hands together.

"Ninja gren greninja ninja gren nin jagren," said Greninja.

"Can I say it again?" Link asked, "You're evil."

"Jan? In gren ninja ja ninja," said Greninja with another implied wicked grin.

"Fine," said Link, "You and your 'ninja skills' can help me."

"Greninja gren," said Greninja.

"Yeah, I know you would've tagged along anyway. Now what are we doing?"

* * *

><p>"Remind me again of how this is supposed to work?" Link asked fearfully as he and Greninja peeked around the corner.<p>

"Gren ja nin ja ja," Greninja whispered.

"That's not an answer," Link whispered back.

"Gren…" Greninja's eyes followed Zero Suit Samus as she walked past the hallway they were staring out of. The frog Pokémon had dumped black paint all over himself and was thus now mostly back. Except for his tongue-scarf thingie, which became orange for some reason when introduced to black paint. Link wore an outfit he had stolen off of his evil doppelganger in one of his adventures. He shuddered in remembering the experience.

"Nin ja gren," said Greninja.

"I know it's not healthy for me…" Link whimpered, "But it was… it was terrifying! I couldn't breathe… I couldn't move… I almost drowned… and that was just because of the inch of water on the floor! Think of how I felt going through the rest of it!"

"Ja grenin ninja," Greninja said dismissively as he watched Zero Suit Samus disappear down the next hallway, "Nin gren greninja?"

"What!?" Link cried.

"Nin gren greninja?" Greninja asked again, "Greninja?"

"We're done talking about this," Link said coldly.

"Grenja," said Greninja, "Nin gren." He began toward the hallway that Zero Suit Samus had turned into. Link sighed heavily and followed him. They peeked around the corner. Zero Suit Samus was talking to Bowser.

"Ja gren greninja gren, grenja nin grenja," Greninja whispered.

"I'm seriously doubting your moral stability right now," said Link nervously. Greninja shushed him. Then, the frog ninja Pokémon began climbing the wall of the hallway and stuck himself to the ceiling. He inched his way along the ceiling until he was directly over Zero Suit Samus and Bowser. Then, Link felt his hat brush his shoulder. He jumped with a scream. Greninja fell off of the ceiling and landed on top of Zero Suit Samus. Bowser fell backwards onto his shell, barely withholding his fire and preventing an overly dramatic the-mansion-is-on-fire scene.

Zero Suit Samus pushed Greninja off of her.

"What in the world—"

"Gren gren greninja!" Greninja said defensively, jumping to his feet. He glared over at Link.

"Gren gren ja!? Ninja gren greninja!" Greninja yelled. Link cowered at the corner of the two hallways.

"I-I-I-I'm sorry!" Link cried in fear, "Don't hurt me please!" Greninja sighed and calmed down.

"Ja gren nin?" he asked himself, "Grenin ja gren?"

"Well…"

"Now hold on," Zero Suit Samus interjected, poking Greninja in the chest, "Where do you get off falling on top of me?"

"Grenja jagren nin gren," Greninja said with a stupid smile. Link face-palmed.

"What was that?" Zero Suit Samus asked in a sudden quiet rage.

"Grenja jagren nin gren," Greninja repeated. Zero Suit Samus pushed past Greninja and towered over Link.

"What's he saying?" she asked. Link just stared at her. She pulled her gun.

"Tell me!" Link covered his head. Greninja ran over in sudden panic and stepped in between them.

"Gren grenja!" Greninja said in an attempt to reason.

"Oh right, I should be shooting at you," said Zero Suit Samus, leveling her plasma charged weapon at the frog Pokémon's head.

"Grenja grenin grenja gren?" he said nervously, "Gren gren?" Link covered his head even more, trying to disappear into the wall. She put her finger on the trigger.

"Gren!" Greninja squeaked.

"Char!" Zero Suit Samus turned from Greninja. Charizard was leaning against the wall of the hallway.

"What do you want?" she asked him, "I'm trying to shoot someone here!"

"Charizard char," Charizard said nonchalantly, "Zard char-izard." He put on a pair of sunglasses and blew a flame out of his mouth. Greninja face-palmed.

"Gren ja gren…" he muttered. Zero Suit Samus gave a sigh.

"Why must half of the people around here speak stupid nonsensical words that no one can understand?"

"He says you should stay cool," Link said softly, "Because coolness is the only way to go." Zero Suit Samus stared at him. Charizard huffed and flicked his wings.

"Zard char," he said, snapping his fingers and pointing two fingers at Link.

"Thanks…" Link muttered.

"Charizard char char zard izard char," Charizard said, straightening up, "Zard charizard zard charizard."

"But I can't even spend two seconds in the kitchen without—"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Zero Suit Samus interjected, "Since when can _you_ understand this… thing?"

"Zard char—"

"Will you shut up!?" Zero Suit Samus yelled. After a few moments of dead silence Link spoke up quietly.

"I… I speak Goron." Zero Suit Samus stared at him again.

"You _what_?"

"I'm sorry!" Link cried in cowering, "I won't do it again!" Greninja face-palmed again.

"Don't get comfortable buddy," said Zero Suit Samus, "You're next."

"Gren ja…" Greninja said, backing away. Charizard huffed again and crossed his legs.

"Char char—"

"I'm gonna rip your head off and mount it on my wall if you speak another word in the next five minutes," Zero Suit Samus said, pointing her gun at Charizard. Charizard's glasses fell off. Zero Suit Samus turned back to Link.

"Now, what does that mean?" she asked.

"I… I can understand him," said Link.

"I understand that. How?"

"His speech is—"

"Gren gren gren," Greninja muttered, "Ninja gren." He flinched as Zero Suit Samus targeted him with her gun again. Charizard held his breath. Zero Suit Samus turned back to Link, gun still pointed at Greninja.

"Go on," she said.

"H-his speech is similar to Goron," said Link.

"Well then what are they saying?" Zero Suit Samus. Link broke down crying out of nowhere.

"It's just not fair!" he whined, "I already get enough grief running around saving the world! Everyone expects so much of me already! Why can't people just leave me be!?" He fell on his side and began sucking his thumb, tears streaming from his eyes. Zero Suit Samus knelt down beside him and put a hand on his shoulder.

"I'm sorry," she said softly, "I didn't realize... Do you want to talk about it?" Link shook his head no.

"Alright," said Zero Suit Samus, "Well I'm in my office whenever you need me. If you need to talk to someone I'll help you out."

"Gren." She shot him with her plasma gun and he fell to the ground twitching. At that moment, Sheik walked by and observed the scene. Her face contorted.

"What the hell happened here?" she asked. Charizard covered his mouth with one hand. He looked down at his other wrist, shut his eyes, and mumbled something to the ceiling with closed eyes. Sheik walked up to Greninja, who was still twitching. She kicked him and he rolled over.

"Good work," she told Zero Suit Samus.

"Yeah," said Zero Suit Samus, "He was getting on my nerves. Did you know he speaks Goron?"

"Who?" Sheik asked.

"Link," said Zero Suit Samus. Sheik's head swiveled toward the sobbing Link on the ground. She pointed at him.

"Him," said Sheik in disbelief. Zero Suit Samus nodded.

"He speaks Goron," said Sheik.

"Yes," said Zero Suit Samus.

"Him, Goron?" Sheik said again.

"Yes," said Zero Suit Samus, "What is that anyway?" Sheik held her head.

"You've gotta be kidding me. You've gotta be kidding me. You've got to be kidding me. You have—"

"Char chariz—" Zero Suit Samus immediately shot him and he fell to the ground.

"What was that for?" Sheik asked.

"He was getting on my nerves too," said Zero Suit Samus.

"Oh okay," said Sheik, "Want to go with Peach and I for coffee?"

"Sure," said Zero Suit Samus. With that, they walked out of the hallway and toward the dining hall.

* * *

><p>Ganondorf gasped as he turned a corner. Before him, four Smashers were sprawled out across the floor, including Link.<p>

"Hey fairy boy!" Link shot up off of the ground and immediately fell backwards onto his butt.

"Oh… h-h-hi G-g-ganondorf," he stammered.

"Did you do what I asked of you?" Ganondorf asked.

"Uh… uh… uh… ummm…" Ganondorf looked at him suspiciously and crossed his arms.

"You didn't?" he asked.

"N-n-no!" Link cried, "I… I h-h-had it done a… a couple hours ago!" Ganondorf shook his head.

"I'm disappointed in you fairy boy," said Ganondorf, "I expect more from a hero of your stature. Which is why…"

"No…"

"I have to…"

"No, please don't! I'll do better, I promise. I'll… I'll—"

"What are you so afraid of?" Ganondorf asked. Link backed away.

"Aren't you going to kill me to death?" Link asked.

"Aren't you going to fight back?"

"N-n-no."

"Why not?"

"Because… because I'm not a hero!"

"Why?"

"Because I'm just not!"

"What, so you want me to kill you to death?"

"No!"

"That's the way it's sounding."

"Well…"

"Can someone _please_ help me?"

They both turned toward Bowser, who was still stuck on his shell. Ganondorf and Link stared at him for a few seconds. Ganondorf then gave an exasperated sigh.

"You're off the hook fairy boy," he said, "As soon as this guy gets back on his feet, he's gonna go get back at Peach for me himself. Help me out."

"_WHAT!?_" Bowser cried as Link fainted on the spot.

"I said—"

"I can't do that!" Bowser cried, "She'll kill me to death!"

"Why does everyone around here think they're going to get killed death?" Ganondorf said in annoyance, "You are a pro at this. How many times have you kidnapped her?"

"You… you don't understand!" Bowser cried.

"Of course I do," said Ganondorf, "You are the big evil guy. She is the damsel in distress. Two plus two equals four." He flipped Bowser onto his feet singlehandedly.

"Now go and exert my revenge on her!" Ganondorf exclaimed, slapping the Koopa on the back. Bowser fainted on the spot as well. Ganondorf face-palmed.

"You've gotta be kidding me…" he muttered, "Now who am I gonna get to do this for me?" He walked out of the hall in frustration, leaving the four Smashers out cold on the ground. Rosalina just so happened to be walking through, flanked by two Lumas on either side. She gasped.

"Not again… We're going to need help…"


End file.
